Heaven
by Stella-Siha
Summary: When Jeff realizes what Shepard just told him in Purgatory, he knows he has to find her, tell her how he feels before it's too late. F!Shep/Joker. Smut!
1. Heaven's Doors Part 1

A/N: Hey guys! Here is my version of how things should have been after Shepard told Jeff about her feelings in Purgatory! It should not last more than two, three chapters. I hope you will enjoy this smutty story and please, read and review, I would really like to know if you liked this story or not, or any thoughts you'd like to share with me!

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware, I'm only playing with their universe. I do not own the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

* * *

Joker was waiting against the wall right in front of Shepard's cabin doors. It had been hours since he had last seen her in Purgatory and he was still desperately waiting, despite the hurt and numbness in his legs for standing for so long. He could not give up now, he would not; he had to fix the mess he had started earlier that night. It had been so unexpected, so out of the blue that he had had no time to actually realize what Shepard was telling him, what he had _craved_ her to say for years. _You know, with all of this interest in EDI, it's possible you've overlooked other options._

These had been her words and he could not help but replay them in his head. Shepard had looked so un-Commander like when she had opened up to him. There had been this glimpse of hope in her nervous eyes that were trying to look at everything but him; and the soft, almost shy smile on her lips. His mind had gone blank right at that moment and the words were out of his mouth before he could even think them over. _I'd never really considered it Commander. No offense._

This had been the biggest lie he had ever told. There hadn't been a day without him thinking of her since she had set foot in the cockpit of the Normandy SR-1, his thoughts growing exponentially towards intimate, _love _ones, rather than just a helmsman worrying for his Commander and making sure to do everything it took to save her ass. Her humanity, her patience with him, her high tolerance to his sarcasm, humor and constant rejection of people who wanted to make bonds with him; those had made him a better man. He had slowly learned how to let people in, not without making sure to keep them at arm's length, of course. The Normandy had changed him. Shepard had been the constant pillar, the fountain of youth and the light into the darkness of this ship, this crew. Shepard had always been more than a simple leader; she had this way of uniting people, of making them believe in her and in her fight against every enemy that had been thrown had them since she had been in command of the Normandy.

It's when Joker had seen Shepard excuse herself and go hurtling off Purgatory that he had understood the deep meaning of what she had just told him. _'And what did you do, you big moron? You just kept asking her about you and EDI.' _Joker thought, face palming himself and shaking his head in disbelief. He had squared his shoulders, even if the idea that he might have lost her was weighting on him, his right hand resting in the crook of his left elbow, his other hand against his mouth and beard.

_Chain of Command Shepard. In an alternate dimension without military ranks, I would rock your world._ The lie behind his own words disgusted him but at that moment, he hadn't known what to reply, so engulfed in the idea of something between him and EDI. Looking back, there had been disappointment in Shepard's eyes and if the tenseness in her posture had been of any indication, she had been _hurt_, badly, and not in the way Kaidan's spiteful words had hurt her on Horizon, not in the way she had been a broken mess after sacrificing Ashley. It was the inner woman in her, the part of her who she kept hidden and who was asking for love and care that he had hurt, when really, all he had ever wanted was to see her happy.

Not once had he consider the idea of her having feelings for him. His own feelings had been thrown to his face the day she had died with the Normandy. Joker had lost everything that meant something for him that day. Never would he be able to forget the image of her floating away in the dark space, as the escape pod was taking him away from the wreck of his ship and the body of his lover. He had always thought that the way he felt about Shepard was a simple crush, the whole "being under the command of a hot chick" a fantasy, but things had evolved, feelings had gotten in the way, slowly but surely, even though he had tried hard to fight them off.

She had taken his soul with her the day she had died. The two years after her death had been a long nightmare, blurred by endless days of drinking the pain away, of fighting the memories away. _'It's your fault she died Jeff, if you hadn't been so stubborn we would both be alive toda_y!' ; these words were the mantra he kept telling himself, opening the open wound in his heart again and again, making himself pay for what he had done to her.

Chakwas had been the one to save him from himself, understanding in silence that this was not just a soldier mourning his Commander; Jeff, who she had always considered the child she had never had, was mourning the woman he loved. _'Jeff, wherever Shepard is now, I am sure she does not like what she is seeing. You need to get up, to fight for her. She chose to save you Jeff, honor her decision.'_ When Chakwas had said that, Joker had stopped drinking and tried, as hard as it was, to live a normal life again. The doc, as well as Garrus and Kaidan had helped him through this long and though process; he knew he would have never made it without them. Deep down, he still did not feel _alive _but he was trying, for her, for what they had accomplished thanks to her. Life would never been the same without Shepard, especially with all the words unsaid, the regrets, the guilt.

By the time Cerberus had contacted him, Joker had thanked whatever god there might be out there for the second chance that was given to him. Shepard was alive, and the life that had been burning inside of him for the past two years was then slowly starting to flow again. They had brought her back to him and he would make sure to never let her down again. He would go to hell and back with her, or stay in hell, if that meant saving her.

Seeing her after two years of grieving and thinking he would never get a chance to tell her what was on his heart, to touch her again, to see her smile again, had made him burst into life again. She was still her old self, her beautiful soul caring his own and giving it back to him. If only he could tell her that she was his everything…

Right now, in the dark room in front of Shepard's cabin, Joker regretted never telling her sooner about his feelings. There had been the mission against the Collector that came first and Shepard needed to focus on this at the time. There had also been all the doubts, the fears and the questions raised by being brought back from the dead. She had taken comfort in his presence, spending almost all her free time by his side, in the cockpit. They had talked about it a little but he had never found the courage to either tell her about the living hell that her death had been to him or to reveal his love for her; then again, she had seemed to have enough on her plate. He had never stopped watching over her from the distance, always hoping that no one would steal her heart yet convincing him that he would rather see her happy with someone else than unhappy.

Their friendship had never been so strong than during their time with Cerberus. It's also when he had tried to accept the fact that such a beautiful, strong woman could never ever want to be with a cripple like him… And that's also when EDI had made her appearance, at first annoying, then some kind of complicity had grown between them and he had found the AI intriguing, almost attracting at times. He had mentally slapped himself for these foolish, idiotic thoughts but now, there she was, in Dr Eva's _very well defined _body. The idea had then not seemed so stupid and was it him or was EDI sometimes flirting with him? He was still watching over Shepard, aching to tell her everything he had on his heart but_ again_, they were in the middle of a war and Shepard did not come spend time with him as often as before he had noticed. _ 'You dumbass, she wasn't coming because of EDI!'_, Joker thought, the evidence so obvious that he wanted to hit himself for being so blind.

Tonight, in Purgatory, she had given him the opportunity to finally get rid of the feelings he had kept locked up for so many years. Instead, as she had placed her soul between his hands, he had crushed it and thrown it away. He wanted to make up for his mistake, his _sin_ for rejecting an angel such as Shepard. Her cabin was like a sanctuary, some kind of heaven that he didn't want to be forbidden to enter. He had been given the best second chance in life when Shepard had been brought back by Cerberus, would he be given a second chance _again_ now?

His desperate thoughts had taken Joker out of reality and he only came back into it when he heard the ping of the elevator. His heart started racing, the pain in his legs completely gone it seemed. _'What am I going to say? What if she doesn't want to listen? What if…?'_ Joker took a deep breathe to calm himself down because he knew he could not be losing it, not _now_.

When Shepard came out of the elevator, still in her bubble, and became aware of his presence, she froze into place, trying to regain some composure "Jo- Joker? What are you doing here?" she hastened to ask himself, crossing her arms over her chest, _upset_.

He remained silent at first, not sure of what to say, knowing that every wrong word would unleash the storm in her that she was obviously trying to control. He straightened up, maned up and said, as  
clearly as he could, despite the urging feeling to shut up and run away "I…We… We need to talk." Joker was straightforwardly looking at her, determined not lose his chance this time.

"There is _nothing _to talk about, Jeff." Shepard replied, never leaving his gaze, nervously chuckling, and quickly making her way to the doors of her cabin.

Instinctively, Joker firmly grabbed her arm as she was at level with him and once she was making eye contact with him, said, with an almost pleading voice "Please, Shepard."

There was anger, so much anger in her eyes, and hurt that he slowly released her arm, not sure of what her reaction would be. She looked so beautiful, Joker thought. The simple contact of his hand on her bare arm had ignited a fire in his body. He badly wanted to touch her, even more than before now that he knew how she felt about him. He may not get a chance at touching her in all the way he wanted to, but he wanted to make up for being such an ass tonight, to at least save what was left of their friendship.

"Please" he repeated, not more than a whisper, closing his eyes as he saw the anger remain in her eyes. Her breathing was staggered from trying to keep the anger contained as he had grabbed her arm. She moved passed him, the doors to her cabin opening and as he was starting to admit his defeat, he heard Shepard shout from inside "Come in".

His body moved before the information even arrived at his brain and when he opened his eyes again, she had her back to him, both hands on her hips, taking deep breaths as if to regain control of her emotions. Meanwhile, Joker was taking in the sight of her cabin. He had been there a few times before and despite the situation, he smiled when he saw that she was still collecting ship models. When in the corner of his eyes he saw her turn around, he stiffened, knowing that she was about to say something.

"What is it that is so important that you cannot wait until tomorrow to tell me about?" she said, looking at him, no emotions showing on her face, her frame looking so fragile all of a sudden. Joker was trying to figure out how to finally _tell _her but the words didn't want to form. He needed to say something, _'Anything buddy, find something to tell her, don't stay here standing like the dumbass that you are' _he urged himself, "I…" was all that came out of his mouth before she added, spitefully, looking at the floor "If it has anything to do with you and your fucking love robot, just leave, NOW!"

Joker could not see her face, that she kept hung low, but from the tremor in her last word, he knew that she was being mean out of hurt, out of rejection and he didn't want EDI to be treated this way, yet he knew that Shepard was just trying to deal with all the pain she felt because of him. He had never seen her so lost, so unguarded and he didn't know how to react. His mouth was trying to make a sound but he desperately remained silent.

"I'm not a fucking matchmaker in case you haven't noticed! There are other people on this ship who would be glad to be talking about you and your hot space chick, people who don't _care _so much. So don't you dare come here and tell me that you lo-…"

There was no more time to waste on being silent, scared of the consequences. Joker knew he had to talk now or never, and the simplest, quickest way he found to convey all of his feelings were three simple, but so hard to say and so meaningful words.

"I love you" he said, before she could say anymore. He walked up to her, determination to clearly let her know how he felt emboldening him. When his body was only a few inches from her, her warmth enveloping her, Joker dared to take hold of her chin and make Shepard look at him. There was a panel of conflicted feelings on her beautiful face, her eyes were searching his, searching for an answer, not believing what she had just heard. A smile was spreading across his face because there he was, _finally, _after years of wanting to tell her that he loved her, that she meant the world to him; so he kept going.

"I love you, Shepard. I always have. I went down with you when you died…" Joker stated, unconsciously bringing his face closer to hers, her gaze softening after each word he said, each touch. "I lied when I said I cared about the regs. I tried to talk to you when we were fighting the Collectors but I guess I was afraid…" he said, nuzzling his nose against her, her breathe hot on his neck; he was delighted to see her relax, closing her eyes, listening to him "… afraid to annoy you and afraid that you would reject me…"

Joker wanted to hold her as close as possible, hug her, feel her skin against his but he wasn't quite sure if the gesture would be welcomed or not. He simply brought his left hand to cup her face, and Shepard leaned as he was finishing what he had started "But I swear, Shepard, I swear that I never stopped loving you. EDI was just conveniently there for me when you were busy doing all the dirty work when all I really wanted was to have you next to me. I am sorry I hurt you today. I…"

* * *

Shepard was overwhelmed. Jeff, _her _Jeff, was closer to her than ever before, telling her he loved her. She had forgotten all about the stabbing pain that she had felt in Purgatory, all of the jealousy at the sight of Joker and EDI getting closer and closer, unable to do anything, when he had given her the three words she had been desperate to hear from his mouth someday. She had fallen for him during the race against Saren, when his humor and mystery had drawn her to him.

She wanted to scream all the love she had for Joker but her brain was still processing his words, leaving her panting, at loss for words. His beautiful green eyes were looking into hers and she could get lost in them and die a happy woman yet her gaze could not help but shift to his mouth, so close. She wanted to close the gap between them and convey with her body what her voice wasn't able to say for now.

As if reading her thoughts, Joker, never leaving her eyes, placed a soft, hesitating kiss on her lips. This simple gesture had put her body on fire, his lips leaving a soul-searing trace that she would never be able to forget. He was gentle, careful, just as she had imagined him. When she finally decided to kiss him back, she put more passion into it, as if to tell him that she wanted it too, _badly_.

It didn't take long for Joker to understand her unspoken message and his arms left her face to come rest on her waist, her own sneaking up his muscled, hard chest, finding their place at the back of his neck, her fingers grasping the hairs at the back of his head, making him moan softly. This sound was like music to Shepard's ears and without thinking, she moved backward, until the back of her feet hit the wall of the fish tank. This had been unexpected and Joker had smiled when her head had hit against it and he had taken advantage of her surprise by covering her mouth with his, demanding.

Shepard could tell Joker was still hesitant, not quite daring touching her where she so badly wanted to be touched, to feel him against her skin burning with desire. Her tongue was tracing the entrance of his mouth and with a feral groan, he allowed her to taste him. At that moment, she was certain he wanted her as bad as she wanted him so Shepard let her hands wander down the expensive of his broad back, squeezing his well-defined butt, which elicited a soft laugh on both parties, to finally yank him to her by the back pocket of his cargo pants.

Now that their bodies were pressing into each other, all her senses were overwhelmed. Her heart was pumping hard in her chest and she could feel his too; knowing that he felt the same as she did started a desire in her core that she hadn't felt in ages, if ever. His arousal was pressing against her thigh as she was losing herself in the feel of him. Jeff was now placing trails of kisses up and down her throat, making her moan, the sound escaping her mouth so unfamiliar to her own ears. She was clinging to his shoulders as if she was afraid that something, _anything_ could take him away from her; that she would suddenly realize that he was not real, that he was not _hers _but when she felt his hands starting to open her top, his body pressing against her more firmly, she knew he was right there and that she needed him, all of him.

She stopped kissing him for a second, her hands squaring his face, her fingers tracing patterns over his surprisingly soft beard, just to take a look at the man she loved, and who loved her in return. The sight of him, panting, face flushed, a sly smile on his face made her bite on her lower lips and her hands happily left his face to remove her top in haste. She could not wait anymore, she desperately, almost with a primal desire, wanted to feel his skin on hers, to mold her body to his and feel every inch of him move in unison with her own.

For Shepard, this moment they were experiencing was more than just years of sexual frustration and strong and unbearable will not to just jump on each other. She had often felt his lingering eyes on her when she would leave the cockpit, the soft smile on his face that she like to think was just for her but she had always thought they were just a simple attraction on his side, nothing more. Joker was a real flirt when he wanted to be, why believe that there had been more than that all this time?

Without even realizing it, she had slowly let her soul slip away from her own body to rest with Joker. She had never had a family before but she had immediately felt a bond between them. At the end of the day, when she would allow her to be herself again, Shepard thought of Jeff as some kind of soul mate. She was a bit ashamed at her own thought because these feelings were a sign of weakness and there was no place for that, but she could not help it and worse, she wanted to give in to it. Jeff had become her reason for fighting against the Reapers and when she had been dying, her last thought had been to think that, at least she had saved him and that her soul would stay alive through him.

And here there were now, desire taking over them, leaving little to no space to coherent thinking. Joker and Shepard had broken apart just for an instant but she already missed his warmth. His sultry smile was sending shivers down her spine and as she was pressing her lower body to his, grinding against him, she let her fingers trail down his stomach, stopping at the waistband of his pants. She slid her deft fingers under shirt, caressing the sensitive skin along the trail of soft hairs that was going down his boxers. It took all of Shepard's self-control not to give in to the temptation of undoing the buttons of his pants and let him take her right here, right now. She wanted to savor every second of this magic moment and make it last as long as possible.

The more she tortured him, the more Joker was grinding against her, moaning in the back of his throat with each touch she was giving him. His right hand was resting next to her head and he had brought his forehead to hers, his eyes closed. His left hand, at first still against the crook of her waist was not casually exploring her firm stomach, driving her wild. In one swift movement, she took his shirt off and when his chest met hers, she knew that this was where she belonged. He was her shield, her wings; she could never go back to not knowing how good it felt to be so close to his heart, to his soul. The Purgatory had not allowed peace to her soul but Jeff was bringing her to Heaven.

When she felt his hands slide along her ribcage and up to her breasts, she knew it was his turn to torture her. His thumbs slowly brushed against her nipples, making her moan loudly and rub against him. With the same dexterity and delicacy with which he made the Normandy dance, Joker slowly brought his hands behind her back to undo the clasp of her bra. When the annoying piece of fabric was out of the way, he bent his head down to hers, and kissed her deeply. Her bare chest against his was agonizingly making her long for the feel of him, a_ll of him_, and shivering at the anticipation of what his fingers would be able to do to her. It's right at this moment that Shepard knew she would let him take the reins tonight, stop being in command for a while, let him show her what it was like to be loved and taken care of.

* * *

A/N: I know, it's a shame I ended this chapter here but I really thought that what I wrote needed to be separated into two chapters. Btw, chapter two should be published in the next few days!


	2. Heaven's Doors Part 2

_A/N: This chapter was really hard to write. I had most of the ideas already written down but putting them together was a struggle, urgh. I still hope this chapter isn't too bad and that you guys will enjoy it. Thank you all for the reviews, favorites and followings, they mean so much to me!  
Oh and warnings, remember that this fiction is rated M for a reason that takes all its sense in this chapter._

Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

* * *

Joker still could not quite believe that Shepard was really there, half naked in his arms and obviously wanting him as much as he wanted her. He could not stop his hands from roaming all over her soft, warm body; this was such a contrast compared to the coldness and toughness he had felt when she had left him, left this world. In her embrace, he forgot the two years he had spent mourning her and decided that tonight, the world began again. The future that was awaiting them suddenly didn't feel so scary because Shepard was giving him something to look forward to.

Before this war, before her, Joker had never really considered the big L word. Of course, there had been women in his life but they never stayed for he was a career man. The Alliance had given him the opportunity to succeed despite his Vrolik Syndrome and he wasn't going to let it slip away because of a woman; he didn't trust these creatures. Shepard though, she had always seemed worth the risk of losing his rank, his career. She had never judged him, always looking at him without pity or disgust; he had seen those in so many people's eyes. She treated him like the man he really was and this, this had cracked up the walls he had kept up for so long, allowing her access to the way leading straight to his heart.

Right now, his brain had a really hard time focusing on any of what was happening, for his blood had left for a southern area of his body, area which didn't seem to get enough of Shepard's warmth. All he could think about was the way her luscious body was moving against his, asking for more. His mouth didn't want to leave hers; he was nibbling harshly on her lower lip, giving in to the desire of letting her know that she was his, that there was no turning back now. By the sounds forming in the back of her throat and the way her nails were savagely scratching, digging into his back, he knew she was responding to him. Each of her touch was taking him to a new height, the desire in the pit of his stomach dangerously growing.

Grasping hold of her tousled hair, he firmly but gently lifted her head, savoring the surprised gasp escaping Shepard's mouth, followed by her mischievous, sensuous smile; exactly what he had expected. After placing a sweet peck on the top of her nose, he went back to her jawline that he had dreamt to kiss a thousand times before. As he was leaving wet kisses along her neck, Jeff brought his hands up her hips, past her curvy waist to land on her breasts. They perfectly fitted in his palms and the silly thought that they felt like they were meant for his touch made him smile inside.

As he was kneading them, Shepard did something he hadn't expected this time. In between pants, moans, clinging to his shoulders, caressing his scalp to urge him on, she had whispered "Oh God, Jeff!" He had frozen for a second, trying to take in the wave of love and desire that Shepard had sent his way. Jeff; his name, that he had heard so many times, said by so many different people, women too; but never had he thought that it could feel this amazing to hear these 4 letters from the mouth of his lover. She had made it sound like a prayer, like music to his ears. He brought his hands up to cradle her face. Joker looked straight into her eyes and softly kissed her swollen lips, the sight of her beautiful face leaning into his touch knotting his stomach, for she was everything and more than he had expected, for she simply and straightforwardly knew how to make him a better man.

She hugged him to her, certainly feeling that there were having a "special moment", not quite sure of what had caused it. She rested her head against his chest and he inhaled the smell of her, a mix of ginger, fresh citrus fruits and let her scent envelop him, intoxicating every inch of his body. No one could ever smell like Shepard. During their first day aboard the Normandy SR-2, when there was still the lingering fear in the back of his mind that _his_ Shepard may not be the Shepard brought back by Cerberus, it's this smell that had made the doubts vanish.

Her breathe was hot on his chest, slowly turning the tenderness into pure, raw desire. The yearning grew even more when she started placing open-mouthed kisses on his now hyper-sensitive skin. His groin bucked against hers on its own volition and she seemed pleased by the reaction, grinding against him in return and now licking and scraping his chest with her teeth. She wanted more? Joker was more than ready to satisfy her in every way possible… The thoughts of all the things he wanted to do to her made him shiver inside and suddenly reminded him of the uncomfortable straining in his pants.

Jeff lowered himself to grip her thighs and lift her against the fish tank. It didn't take a second for her legs to wrap around his waist. The closer she was, the more he was losing himself into her. He had wanted to tell her how much he had missed her, how her death had haunted him –still haunted him. He wanted to ask for forgiveness because no matter how many times he had heard the shrinks he had been forced to see by the Alliance, tell him that it was not his fault she had died; their words had never made it to his heart and soul. None of them had been there when the Normandy had blown up, they thought they knew, but really, they didn't.

The greatness of space and its smell of freedom and adventure had led Joker to become a pilot; his own body had long felt like a cage but space had opened its door, flying giving him the possibility to find his way out. When the Normandy had been attacked though, the darkness and emptiness of space had felt like a trap and thinking about how easily Shepard's body had gotten lost in the open space, with nothing to hold on to, had changed him. He didn't know if anyone could ever understand the depth of his love for her; her death had killed him and her resurrection had been like a rebirth. He would have been able to live in her shadow if IT had been what she wanted, for the simple reason that he had promised himself to do everything to protect her; he would enter into a Faustian pact if it meant saving her; the trade had been a life for a life and he would follow the rule if he had to.

Now that she was pressed up against him, returning the favors he was giving her, he didn't think he would be able to go back to not feeling like he was his; she could make him or break him, and the sudden apprehension that she might not care for him as much as he did for her settled in the back of his mind. However, tonight was their night and he wasn't going to waste it on insecure thinking. Instead, Joker breathlessly whispered in her ear the deepest thought his blurry mind was able to form at the moment. "Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?"

* * *

With Jeff pressed up against her, his chest hot and sweaty against hers, Shepard's usually quick and coherent thinking had vanished and the only sound escaping her mouth when she heard his question was a chuckle. He had put her in a playful mood, which wasn't something she usually was, in any occasion and especially _not_ with men. She was used to keeping things at a controllable level, meaning she went straight to the _essential,_ not caring about the many different foreplays that she knew existed, but wasn't interested in. Shepard had shared some down times with fellow soldiers who knew, just like her, that feelings were not a luxury that they could allow themselves to have. Shepard knew that it was hard enough to care for herself on the battlefield; she didn't want to add someone to the equation. This vision of relationships had been fine by her…until Joker. He had turned her heart of stone into something delicate, making the idea of wanting, needing more, blossom. Tonight, he was everything but what she had experienced before: no men had ever treated her that way, with so much attention and tenderness. _'So that's what love does?'_she thought.

His tongue was doing amazing things to her earlobe and jawline, sending shivers down her spine, and Shepard decided to put the new playful mood she was in at good use. "I don't know what you're talking about" she replied, trailing her hands along his firm chest that heaved under her touch, down to his belt, looking at him with innocent eyes. Her deft fingers then purposely caressed the bulge in his pants as she was undoing his buckle.

"Fuck.", he said through gritted teeth, bending his head down to her mouth and fiercely kissing her, capturing her moans into his mouth as his hands moved around to her butt to hold her tight, leading her toward the bed. Shepard suddenly felt like it was getting hotter in the room, desire running through her veins and making her hot at the idea of what was to come. Her hands were still at his pants that she finally tore open as Joker stood still and her legs left his warm and tender waist to stand on the cold, hard floor.

The back of her legs bumped into the bed where she sat down, wrapping her arms around his mid-section, bringing her head against his low, _low _waist and kissed him. Shepard then looked up at him with come-hither looks, an enticing smile forming on her lips. As she rose to her feet again, making sure her chest would brush every part of his body in her ascent, she went to sit on her knees on the bed. When her head arrived at level with his, Shepard eagerly kissed him while her hands tugged his pants and underwear down. She then took hold of his length, gently stroking him, making him hum with contentment as his hands came to rest on her hips, pulling her closer.

The ache in the pit of her belly was almost unbearable, she wanted _all _of him. Everything about Joker felt right and she had never felt that good in her entire life. She knew that there was no turning back now, that they were already on the slippery slope of_ love_. Part of her was still holding back for she was about to give him her everything and the thought scared her a little. She didn't know how much she would be able to give him, if it would be enough; she just knew she didn't want her insecurity to let him down. He deserved the best in life and she was honored that he had thought her to be worth the challenge.

More than right, everything about Jeff was warm and welcoming: his skin, his gaze burning into hers as they were sharing such a unique experience, something he seemed to be as amazed by as she was. She would give her life to the cold of Alchera all over again for him. The warmth of the sun was nowhere to be seen in the depth of Space, on the surface of the planet where her body had drifted. There had been nothing but the cold and snow and darkness and loneliness… and death. Jeff was her glowing sun, the burning flame chasing the night away and the warm air that kept her alive and hopeful; he was her home. She hoped that tonight, he would understand how much he meant to her.

* * *

The alarms in Joker's head started ringing when Shepard's enclosed her delicate hands around him; his arousal was achieving the point of no return and he wanted to make her last _with_ her. So it's reluctantly that he mumbled a half-hearted "Stop" against her mouth and took hold of her hand and held it in his. "Not fair", she pouted, swaying her hips against him like a stubborn and petulant child who had been forbidden to eat candies. _'God, she is going to be the death of me'_ Jeff thought, finding it hard to resist her repeated and languorous teasing. He had to switch the roles before it was _too late_.

Jeff slowly pushed Shepard down on the bed never releasing her mouth, tongues tangling at each other, like an unbreakable link between them. He had wanted to be careful not to land all his weight on her but their half removed pants had him stumble over her. They both laughed but once he adjusted himself over her, she arched into him, making him growl with frustration. As she was smiling against his mouth, she broke their kiss and said "Hey Flyboy, afraid you won't be able to keep up with the great Commander Shepard?" She was teasing him _again_, and he was decided to play along but he wasn't going to let her win.

"Well, there is _something _that might not stay up any longer if you keep torturing me like that." He was slowly making his way down her body, first sucking at her jaw line, his mouth then giving all its attention to her soft, pink breasts. Her hands were gripping the hair at the back of his head, keeping him close to her; she was whimpering, making his lower belly spasm. His hands, first resting on her hips, were now under her knees, urging her legs apart, his fingers sliding down the soft flesh of her inner thighs, tracing random patterns over her sensitive skin. He lowered himself more before going any further with his eager hands, covering her belly with wet kisses and stopping at her navel.

He rose to his feet for a second, removing his restraining pants, boxers and combat boots. He was towering her, enjoying the view of her luscious body. She had a lot of scars that he found beautiful in their own special ways; they were part of her, part of her past and who she was and they made her so unique, so _whole_. When his gaze reached her face, he was quite happy by the way she was looking at him, with desire and quite some contentment. The hours spent working out and keeping himself in shape despite the pain had never felt so rewarding. Once he was done with his own clothing, he dropped to his knees, not without some pain that he kept for himself, and removed her pants and boots. She had been staring at him the whole time, making his skin tingle where her eyes had looked. He hooked one of his arms under her thigh, bringing her to him.

When he heard a whispered "Oh God!" he knew she was giving him the permission to do what he had dreamt to do so many times during his sleepless nights and the long lonely shifts at the helm of the Normandy. Unable to hold back any longer, he placed a series of soft kiss on her inner thighs first, his free hand caressing the length of her bent leg, eliciting goose bumps on its passage. His mouth was now dangerously close to her hot, moist center on which he placed an almost chaste kiss, breathing her in, the smell of her arousal like a magic spell making his desire rise to heights he hadn't thought possible. As his mouth found her most sensitive area, he started lapping at it, sometimes even nibbling a bit, to which Shepard reacted by groaning low, her hips bucking against him. He then brought his free hand to her entrance, his fingers gently sliding into her, her wetness and warm making him lose his mind.

Her body was moving in rhythm with Joker's deft fingers and tongues, her walls starting to spasm around him. He wished he could keep doing this longer but he knew he wasn't going to last very long and he really wanted to move within her, to let her warmth envelop him and come in unison with her. As if reading his mind, Shepard let her head fall back, running her fingers through his tousled hair before whispering "Jeff…plea…please… come here" He left a last open-mouthed kiss on her sex, crawling back on her until his body was at level with hers, his penis brushing against her entrance, making it hard for him to keep his carnal impulses in check.

Her gasping mouth turned into a wicked smile as she pushed him on his back and straddled his hips. His breath caught in his throat at the sight before his eyes; the dim light of the room, made every curve of her body look so define, almost unreal. The blue glowing of the fish tank, outlining her figure made her look like some kind of divine creature, like an angel. His hands went to rest on her hips, caressing her soft skin and she bent down, kissing him gently as she started sliding her velvety lips along his throbbing dick. This time, his arousal increased to the point of no return and quiet groans turned into frantic moans when he pushed her on her back again, putting their agony to an end.

Joker brought his hands to rest on each side of her head as Shepard took hold of him. They were both looking into each other eyes when she slowly guided him into her and he slowly pushed deep until her warmth fully enveloped him and a cry, half of pain, half of pleasure, escaped both their mouths. They quickly found their rhythm, his movements slow at first until she raised her hips to meet his, asking for more. Already, the tension in his abdomen was becoming painful and he knew he would not last long; however, he committed himself to wait until he had satisfied her first. This night was her night and he wanted to make her feel like the most precious being in the universe. He held his forehead to hers and she opened her eyes, smiling at him, moving her arms down his back, right to his rear, squeezing him to her.

At this moment, their bodies started to move faster as Shepard was repeating again and again "Jeff, Jeff… Oh God Jeff… Look at me…" He obeyed and their eyes were conveying all of the love and desire they felt for each other. Jeff was now desperate for release, feeling her walls tightening around him. He gripped her thighs, raising them over his hip to a new, deeper angle. She growled and he gasped as he was pushing harder into her. It took all of his safe control not to come undone right then but his restrain fell into pieces as he felt her walls starting to spsam around him. "I'm gonna-" he huskily warned her but she shut him up with her finger, that he hastened to capture in his mouth and suck at. Shepard was obviously close to her own release too and as she hit her climax, Joker thrust one last time into her, both achieving a bliss that let them satisfied and loudly gasping, the only sound filling the room.

Jeff disentangled himself from Shepard and went to slump next to her, Shepard taking place in the crook of his neck, her leg and arm draped over him. Words were not needed right now and they just remained silent, fingertips still ghosting over sweaty skin and contented sighs escaping their mouths. Joker looked at her from above, her features relaxed as she was slowly falling asleep. She took a last deep breath and murmured "I love you…" He wanted to scream for hearing these 3 words from her mouth but instead he let her fall asleep in his arms and kissed her forehead.

Jeff thought about when he had woken up this morning, to the thought of Shepard of course, without daring to think that he would end up the day in her arms. In the past few weeks, EDI had been in the forefront of his mind because Shepard was out of reach, always had been. He still felt so silly for the way he had acted in Purgatory. He had been so close to lose her, the thought making him tighten his embrace around her sleeping body. She moved a little and he was afraid he had woken her up but instead, she reached for his hands, entwining her fingers with his. "It's like you know exactly when I need you, babe." he quietly said, remembering how in his hardest moment after her death he had always felt like she had been there, next to him. Maybe souls did existed, maybe theirs, into Space, had been bound forever and Jeff drifted into sleep with this beautiful idea in mind.

* * *

_A/N: So, I still have a couple of thoughts for a next chapter but then, I do not think I will keep writing this story. I want to focus on my Shep/Vega fiction, as well as develop ideas for a one-shot about you know, a green guy who names Shepard after a warrior angel ;) Anyway, if you guys have suggestions about things you'd like to see or anything that could give me more inspiration, please message me (review or PMs if you prefer!) Oh and please, don't forget to read and review!_


	3. Freyja

_A/N: Again, thank you all for the favs, alerts, reviews, they make me really happy. So please, keep reading and reviewing, and faving, and... Well, you get it, keep being awesome dear readers! Enjoy!_

___Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story._

* * *

''_Meet you up in 30 -Jack''_

The message displayed on Shepard's private terminal made her mood brighten. She was definitely looking forward to this downtime with Jack. They hadn't really gotten a chance to meet after the Cerberus raid on the Citadel and Udina's failed coup. She had promised they would see each other before the Normandy had to leave and Shepard was a woman of her word.

War was slowly taking its toll on Shepard and she knew it. _'You won't lose it, you're a big girl, and you are one step from destroying these bastards'_ she kept telling herself. The past day had been a living hell, an _unexpected _hell. It was one thing to go down the hill head first in a mission, knowing more or less what was waiting for them but yesterday, Cerberus had taken them by surprise and Shepard still felt like a rookie for not seeing it coming. The thought made her teeth grit and hands clench into hard-rock fists and she was shaking with anger. Tension, as well as fear –fear to fail, to be the cause of Galaxy's downfall, were insinuating into her veins like a lurking entity slowly taking over her. She hadn't told anyone about it because she had to keep her head high and appear flawless, doubtless or else, everyone would drown with her. Shepard was determined to keep their heads out of the water for they believed in her and with that thought in mind, she slipped in the shower, the warm water allowing her to forget about _everything _for a short, but revitalizing moment…

…Everything but what had happened between her and Joker only a few hours ago. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach as she remembered the amazing love making they had had. Yesterday may have been hell but she sure had spent its last hours in heaven. Jeff had given her more hope, more strength and Shepard had woken up less restless than the nights she had spent alone, the warmth of his arms making her fall into a dreamless sleep. _'I might use this argument to convince him to sleep with me again'_ she let herself wonder, chuckling and feeling utterly happy for the first time in a very, _very_ long time. They hadn't gotten a chance to talk, except for when he had briefly told her he had to take his shift that morning, leaving a quick peck on her cheek, and she suddenly felt anxious at the idea of what would happen next time they would see each other. _'Natural, just stay natural and it'll be fine' _she cheered herself up, rolling her eyes at her teenager-like attitude.

As much as she enjoyed thinking about these small matters, there was still a war hitting them and she had to face it. More than her duty, it was what Shepard was made for, what her heart beat for and what her hands were built for. The innocent child that had joined the Alliance had been like a raw piece of clay that War had molded into the woman she had become. Clay was breakable though and deep down, in a dark corner of her mind, Shepard felt that this war that had made her, sooner or later, it would break her. Shoving the thought away, she made her way out of the cabin and down to the bridge, knowing it was only a matter of minutes until Jack would be there.

Once in the CIC, Shepard took a deep breath and went straight to the cockpit, hoping she would have a minute to greet Joker. As much as she dreaded their encounter, she wanted to get rid of it now so she could enjoy her day with Jack just fine. All hope was gone when she noticed James and Kaidan talking with him.

_'Did I make the right decision?' _she pondered, looking at the latter. Horizon was way behind her and she had hoped it would be the same for him, yet Kaidan had kept throwing accusations at her, doubting her, raising all the dirty questions she had kept buried deep. Of course, Shepard wondered what they had really done to her, her mind still not quite believing that someone dead could be brought back to life; but she had been able to keep the self-disgust and questions in lock until the mission on Mars. Choosing to ignore the rising anger, Shepard was about to greet the three men when Alenko and Vega turned around to leave, greeting her with a simple, friendly "Commander" for Kaidan and a joyful "Lola" for James.

"Major, James" she replied, smiling, not getting enough time to say any more, as the airlock door switched open, revealing Jack.

"Shepard", she said, nodding.

"Jack, nice to see you."

Jack took a look at her surroundings, her eyes stopping on the 2 men leaving, an appreciative look in her eyes and a sly smile forming on her lips. "You know Shepard, if I didn't know you so well, I would think you choose your men on other criteria than effectiveness…" she said, her eyes never leaving Kaidan and James' rears.

"You know I am a tasteful woman…" Shepard replied and winked at Jack who chuckled a little.

"Can I really believe I just heard Jack, the official Grumpy of the Normandy, _chuckle!_" Joker said from the cockpit, proudly smiling at his own joke.

"Fuck off, Joker!" Jack shouted, rolling her eyes.

"Ooooh, as classy as I remember!" Joker jovially replied "I guess some things never change."

Jack raised an eyebrow, her thumb pointing toward Joker and said to Shepard "He still doesn't shut up, does he?"

"Well, he was right about one thing, you two still fight like kids in a sandbox" Shepard stated, her eyes going back and forth between the two, and then shook her head, suddenly thinking that they had had good times on the Normandy SR-2 despite being under the colors of Cerberus and the weight of going on a suicide mission over them.

She wished she could get her crew back –more than her crew, what she wanted back was that conviction, determination, from not only herself but from other people, that they would do it, they would succeed, no matter what the price was in the end. The thought led her to think that by allowing Kaidan to join them on the Normandy, not only had she wanted him for he was one of the most powerful biotic she knew, but also because she wanted to bring the good old times back.

"Yea, yea," Jack replied, shrugging, "And I see you're still an asshole Joker, but as you said, some things never change"

"Ouch!" Joker dramatically brought his hand to his heart but failed to hide the big smile on his face.

"Are we done now, _kids_?" the Commander asked, an eyebrow rose.

Jack puffed and headed to the exit but Shepard remained in place for a second, her eyes never leaving Joker's. From the way his eyes were burning into hers, sending shivers down her spine and awaking the butterflies in her stomach, she knew that, again, there was no need for words; they understood each other in silence and as he was offering her a small, almost shy smile, her face broke into a grin as she followed Jack and exited the Normandy.

* * *

_Focus._

_Breathe in._

_Aim._

_Shoot._

_Breathe out._

"Not bad" admitted Jack, seeing as though the 3 bullets fired by Shepard had left a single hole, right on the target's heart. Shepard was glad to see some improvements. She had never really been good at shooting sniper rifles and the Specters' shooting range was a great opportunity to train and try out all kinds of weapons. She never missed a chance to practice when the Normandy was on the Citadel and today she had chosen to share this little privilege with Jack.

"Not bad yourself" Shepard replied, looking at the Claymore in Jack's hands, impressed that she could shoot so well without whinging at its more-than-heavy recoil, "You handle this baby like a real Krogan."

"If I was to say the only good thing that Cerberus did to me, I would say that these bastards turned me into an all-powerful bitch with a high resistance to pain and bullshit." She calmly replied, ready to fire one last time, in a perfect position, eyes locked on the target, holding her breath and as her finger pulled the trigger, the loud sound escaped the shotgun.

"All-powerful bitch with a high resistance to bullshit?" Shepard nodded, "Hell yeah, that does sound like you!"

She leaned against the wall, a heavy sigh escaping her mouth. They had spent pretty much two hours shooting and she was starting to feel the aftermath. Jack and Shepard had spent hours on the old Normandy in the Armory –especially when Jacob was not there, modding and working on weapons together. It had been _something_to convince Jack that she was trustworthy but once Shepard had dug a little hole in Jack's barriers, things had gone quite smoothly.

As Jack joined Shepard against the wall, they remained silent for a while until the commander turned to look at her friend and say "Hey, there is another good thing that Cerberus did; they brought us together and I'm quite thankful for that" and she offered her a small smile. Jack, in her usual half embarrassment and half gratitude, started scratching at her neck, avoiding Shepard's gaze, and mumbled something that sounded like a thank you.

As if remembering that this was just her and Shepard, and no reason to feel uncomfortable, Jack shrugged and giggled, adding "I guess you're right Shepard. Since we're being all touchy-feely right now, I wanted to tell you…" she paused, certainly careful to choose the words that would make her sound friendly but not _corny_. Shepard knew how hard it was for Jack to open up and as much as she had grown and changed, deep down Jack was still the scared little girl fucked up by Cerberus.

"…than-thank you for allowing me to rebuild my life and for making me a better person." Jack started walking back and forth in front of Shepard who crossed her arms and silently listened. "You… You allowed me to see that there are some good things left in this world and that they are worth fighting for. The kids at the Academy, hell, they have become family but I would not be here if you hadn't started the process of making me believe that I have my place in this Galaxy," She stopped, looking at Shepard, a radiant smile on her face "So yea, thank you Shep." And coming closer, she warningly added "but you fucking better never repeat what I just said. I have a bad girl reputation to keep."

"You have my word," Shepard stated, feigning to feel threatened "but does that mean you won't let me call you Mama bear when you're among your kids?" and she burst into laughter, shortly followed by Jack.

"Should I remind you that you're exactly the same when it comes to the crew of the Normandy?" Jack started "Well, although I hope you and Joker don't play the "call me daddy-call me mommy" game…" suggestively waggling her eyebrows at her.

"Wh-what?" Shepard incredulously asked, her eyes growing wide and trying to hide the blush on her cheeks.

"Oh come on, don't be such a pussy Shep… I saw the way you looked at him when we left the Normandy… And even though he and I are not people's persons, it's a habit of us to observe people, to see what others don't see and I know you've had it bad for him for a long, _long_time."

Shepard rose to her feet, raising her arms in defeat "Yea, well, I guess I am unmasked!" She wasn't really ready to talk about him so soon. Of course, she didn't want to keep their relationship private but being a careful woman, she also wanted to see if things would work out between them first. She was at loss for words and she mumbled a few things like "It is not-" or again "He is…" and finally "Oh well, I give up.", hiding her face in her hands.

"Wowowowow Shep, calm down. You don't owe me an explanation." Jack placed a reassuring hand on Shepard's shoulder and kept going "If anyone deserves to be happy, it's you."

"I don't deserve it more than anyone else." Shepard huffed, pleased by the change of subject.

She was about to protest some more but Jack shushed her up and added, her face looking wiser and calmer than ever before "Bullshit! The Galaxy owes you more than one and you need to keep yourself sane. Keep the Commander fucking Shepard attitude for the media. "

Shepard pondered the words that Jack had just given her and it tore the soldier in her apart to admit that maybe she was right, and that she had to agree. She had never e_ver _let her private life influence her duty but boy, did she need something more than just fighting. Joker was giving her the opportunity to enjoy whatever time was left and she would not let it slip away. It would not stop the war around them but it –_them_, it would make her world a little brighter.

"Fine!" Shepard finally uttered, "but let me tell you that I owe my sanity to people –friends, like you, Jack, who always supported me and made me believe in myself. I would be a heartless bitch for thinking that I did it all by myself. Know that whatever happens-"

Anger suddenly distorted Jack's features and she was in fury "Don't talk like that, Shepard! It does no good to you or me or anyone else to think that you are not going to make it!" An uncomfortable silence sat in between the two friends as she was slowly calming down. Shepard felt stupid for wording her own fears out, especially since she had been so good at keeping them for herself. Yet, she felt like she should not be sorry for that and Jack had been right to react that way for she should have known better than talking like there was no hope left.

"I'm sorry…" Shepard started out but Jack cut her off once again, with a benevolent tone "Please, don't be… I didn't… I didn't mean to snap at you-"

"I know." Shepard replied, looking in her friend's eyes, the only way to reassure her that they were good, "I know."

None of them wanting to let another silence creep in, in an unspoken agreement, Jack grabbed the Claymore once again and Shepard took hold of the Black Widow and they both fired until the deafening sounds escaping their rifles wrapped them up and released all the tension and anger and unsaid words. Shepard had always felt like shooting was a relaxing occupation that had brought her to deal with all kinds of problems and reflections.

During her basic training, she had spent many hours at night, shooting the pain of Mindoir away, in the soulless, dark, cold shooting ranges of the Alliance. There was a salvation to be found in the pull of a trigger, in the cluster of power stuck in just one bullet; it was empowering. Then there was the firing sound, so deep, so releasing, making Shepard's heart beat faster for a second. Finally, there was the poignant silence that left her empty, in a way, purified and exhausted.

The first time Shepard had had to shoot, not a target of paper but a living being, blood had frozen into her veins. It was so far from the safety offered by firing blanks and from the rewarding peacefulness afterwards. It was her duty though and she had trained hard to do it, to avenge the ones who had died for nothing.  
As Shepard was firing the last bullet and her heartbeat was slowly turning back to normal , she heard the ping of her Omnitool, a new message awaiting her.

"From: _Flight Lieutenant Moreau  
Subject: Hackett on vid-com._

_Get your ass here, Commander, Hackett wants to talk to you in 30 minutes._

_PS: And I already miss you ;)"_

Shepard blushed a little but tried not to stay still and start drooling like a teenager who received her first love note. She knew she had to hurry and told Jack about the message. They made quick work of leaving the shooting range as clean as when they had arrived and they finally made their way back to the Normandy.

When both friends arrived at the Docking bay 24, Jack gave an awkward and unexpected quick hug to Shepard and added, before parting "Do you know why you're the best fucking leader, Shep?"

Shepard shook her head and Jack replied, with a half-smile "Because you give us all faith. Never under-estimate your power to lead and make people believe." On these last words, Jack faced Shepard one last time, offering her a sharp salute which made them both wholeheartedly laugh.

Shepard made her way to the Normandy, her mind peaceful. _'Am I really some kind of hope bringer?' _she wondered. She decided it was better not to think about it too deeply for they had a war to face and the down time was over. Putting the Commander mask on, she entered the space ship and made her way to the Communication room.

* * *

_A/N: Next chapter, we will be meeting with the Quarians!  
Also, I was thinking that the first two chapters of this story are apart and maybe it should stay this way. It means I would have to start a sequel instead of loading new chapters to Heaven. I don't know, what do you think?_


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